October is the month where we begin to embrace the fall season. We talk about remembering our mammograms, bring awareness to Down Syndrome, and talk about the babies, children, and pregnancies gone too soon. (check out what else is observed during October at the National Day Calendar site.
October 15th is National Child, Infant and Pregnancy Loss awareness day. It is a day in honor of all the innocent souls who left us too soon. At 7 pm in every time zone those of us who have experienced loss on this level light a candle to remember our loved ones we walk without.
I became an angel mom in November of 2015, we knew we wouldn’t have long with him in mid-September after our genetic testing came back. Our sweet boy was so unique he defeated the odds and was born alive. His birthday gift to us was getting to see him take a couple of breaths and snuggle with his momma.
He looked just like his big brother and had fat rolls you wouldn’t believe. Five days later I kissed his forehead and chubby cheeks for the last time. His dad and I tucked him into his small white coffin filled with gifts from us, his grandparents and his brothers. I have never cried the way I did that day. Now those ugly cries aren’t as frequent but they still happen. October is the month for many awarenesses but the one closest to my heart is Child Pregnancy and infant loss awareness. We are the parents who have had to say goodbye far too soon and awake every day with pieces of their hearts in another world.
This month two years ago I was planning a funeral for a baby I would never take home. A baby I wouldn’t see walk or talk. This is just a piece of my grief but my gift? My gift was to embrace this life and to embrace the time I had here with those I loved. I learned to relish in my emotions rather than turn them away. I learned to love so much more than I believed I could. These were not overnight changes nor were they easy. For a time I fought so hard to stay in the darkness to hold to my mourning as though it was the only way Owen would ever be remembered. Fellow angel moms, family, the dearest friends anyone could ask for, and a sweet and beautiful woman named Rose taught me not to stay in that place.
Taught me it was okay to feel sad, it was okay to not be okay. On a day where it’s the most terrible and life alone is a breath at a time, I tell myself to be the person he would be so proud of an I hear the whispers “Be Brave Momma”. Between the tears and the anguish, I find a smile and wrap myself in the dark and the light.
I started this blog because I finally realized just how short this life is and how fragile we all are. To let a moment of anger rule over your energy and soul isn’t worth it. Forgiveness and self-love are just as important as loving those around you and chasing your dreams. My baby will be my baby forever and I was lucky enough for him to choose me. I hold to his memory so fierce and keep it close on the most mundane days while also basking in his memory on the worst of days. He has given me the ability to see the good and the evil in this world and I choose to focus on the good.
I choose to hold to the heart and honor him with deeds of kindness and love.
In light of all the tragedy around us and the conflict of this world. Join me in focusing on the good and the sweet.